love, 050510

I saw you. I wanted so much to say hi. I wanted so much to smile. I wanted so much to look into your eyes and know that you're not mad at me. I know you are mad at me. Why don't you say it? Why don't you tell me you're angry, boy. I dare not look at you. Cause i know you'l never smile. And i do not want to hurt my smile seeing you look away. So i looked away. I wished you did not know. I wished i had not told him. Cause everything went right until he gets to know. And that's my fault for telling him. And that's when things started to go wrong. Everything was back to normal when i lied to you after that. But i did not know how come the situation turn back as tensed as it use to be. I did not know why i felt so scared knowing that somehow you knew i lied. I am terrified. Yes i am, boy. I hate to be hated. I do not want another sense of rejection. Although i felt that a lot of times. Everything just hurt me like how it is to be. I have the right to like someone. Or maybe people like me do not have the right to? I suppose not maybe? I wanted you to know, yes i do like you. And yes i am terrified that you will hurt me with your words. Cause i know you are capable of doing so. I had always assume that you did not know. Not until today. Cause today i saw and heard the signs that you know about it. I wanted so much to convinve myself that i was wrong. But it just hit me that i was right. I'm confused with everything. I do not want you to know. I do not need your attention. I do not need to be hurt. I have been hurt enough times to teach me a lesson. And yes i have learnt my lesson. And it is painful enough if i were to go thru another round of pain. Especially if the pain came from you. For Fish, i was ok. Cause i did not fall for him. It was just a one minute admiring. But for you, i fell for you. For everything you did and for everything you are. I am upset with myself for letting go of this secret. I am upset...